She Continues to Flirt While in a Relationship

Flirting while in a relationship

Authored by Dr Venetia Leonidaki

You may think that flirting while in a relationship is highly disrespectful. However, the psychology of flirting is not so black and white. It depends on what is considered flirting when in a relationship, the impact on the couple, and when flirting crosses the line.

Why do people flirt while in a relationship?

Enjoying a bit of flirting is absolutely healthy even when in a (monogamous) relationship. While a committed relationship may fulfil our needs for safety and love, flirting gives the promise of something novel and exciting.

So, do people in healthy relationships flirt with others? Yes, and there could be many reasons for it. People may flirt for fun, validation or an ego boost. In contrast to familiarity, which cultivates a sense of contentment, flirting stimulates imagination and fuels desire. Thus, flirting can even improve a couple's sexual life.

In other words, flirting can be good for your mental health and your relationship. And yes, flirting can be innocent and harmless (although there are exceptions).

How flirting affects a relationship

Firstly, flirting with others does not necessarily mean that something is seriously missing from your relationship. If anything, the need to flirt can have a beneficial effect on a couple. Specifically, flirting can increase appreciation for your partner, create an appetite for flirting and sex within your relationship, and spark intimate conversations. Don't be surprised if flirting with others helps you to keep your relationship alive.

Things can be more complicated when one partner is flirtatious and the other one disapproves of flirting. In such a case, every hint of flirting could make the disapproving partner feel jealous or disrespected. However, partners communicating their feelings openly and negotiating boundaries could strengthen the relationship in the long term.

When flirting crosses the line

Can flirting be considered cheating? Yes, it can. The real question is WHEN flirting is cheating. The answer is not entirely clear. Even in a monogamous relationship, what counts as cheating for one couple may not for another.

Flirting and microcheating

In this era of modern technology, new flirting behaviours may have further blurred the boundaries between flirting and cheating. Microcheating is such an example. Microcheating describes subtle acts of seeking emotional intimacy that take place outside one's relationship. It often concerns online interactions, such as talking to someone on a dating website. Is microcheating more innocent than flirting with a person in real life? Again, it depends.

Compare the following two examples. In the first example, a husband is going out of their way to keep their fake Facebook profile secret from their wife. In the second example, a committed partner dances spontaneously with an attractive acquaintance when out with friends. Which behaviour poses a greater threat to the relationship? If you guessed the first one, I'd agree with you. This husband seems calculated, and secrecy surrounds his actions. Despite the physical distance of online communication, I'd be concerned that the online flirting that he engages in could seriously undermine his relationship. Thus, intention and level of openness with the existing partner are determining factors in when someone crosses the boundary.

Flirting and infidelity

Now, what if the committed partner of the second example ends up having sexual fantasies about this girl? Is this cheating? Probably not. Such fantasies can be part of a healthy sexual life. Depending on the boundaries surrounding a couple's sexual life, such fantasies could be kept private or shared with a partner. This depends on the agreement that the two partners have with each other. It's also entirely understandable for a partner to feel hurt by knowing that their other half has fantasies about attractive strangers, especially when they don't feel the need to do the same.

Well, when does flirting become infidelity? If the (up to now) committed partner starts becoming intimate with this girl, cuddling and touching, then this is likely to count as physical infidelity. Even if there is no touching involved but this guy starts developing feelings for the attractive acquaintance, wants to find out more about her, and continues to think about her after the night is over, then we may be talking about emotional infidelity. Every couple has its own lines and boundaries, so what determines physical and emotional intimacy with someone else as infidelity often comes down to the pre-existing agreement of exclusivity in a couple and whether it breaks it.

The bottom line

Ultimately, the intention behind flirting, the level of secrecy surrounding it, and whether it explicitly or implicitly breaks a couple's pre-existing agreement are usually more important than flirting itself. Things are more complex for a couple when each partner has a different philosophy about flirting and find it hard to agree about where the boundaries lie. As Esther Perel, a relationship expert, puts it: "The flirting rule depends on the couple".

Does flirting result in relationship difficulties?

There are certainly situations when flirting can create damage in a relationship. You may then want to ask for help from a therapist or relationship expert to help you cope better.

You may need help to deal with a flirty partner. Even more, you may feel depression or anxiety as a result of this behaviour, or you may need help to be more assertive and re-negotiate boundaries.

You may want to better manage your feelings of jealousy.

You may feel addicted to flirting and wonder, "Why do I keep flirting?"

I need help with my relationship

At Spiral Psychology, a range of psychological therapies could help you. If you would like to focus on your relationship as a couple, then consider couple therapy or couple counselling.

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Source: https://www.spiralpsychology.com/is-it-ok-to-flirt-while-in-a-relationship/